You Are Not Your Mistakes: Reframing Shame and Failure
We all make mistakes. Some of them are small and forgettable, others feel life-changing. Right now, former tennis champion Boris Becker is in the headlines again, promoting his book about life after prison. His story is a reminder that even the most successful people stumble — sometimes very publicly.
But here’s the truth: one mistake does not define you.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
When we fail, it’s easy to slip into harsh self-talk:
I am a failure.
I am a bad person.
I am wrong.
But notice the difference when you reframe it around behaviour and judgement:
My behaviour was wrong — but I am not wrong.
My judgement wasn’t right that time.
I made a mistake — but I can learn from it.
That action didn’t work, but it doesn’t define me.
It’s a subtle shift, yet it changes everything. Instead of letting a single action define your identity, you separate your behaviour from your worth.
Shame: The Hidden Weight We Carry
Chances are, there’s something in your life you feel deeply ashamed about — something you’ve never told anyone, maybe something you can’t even admit to yourself.
Shame is a powerful emotion. At its best, healthy shame helps us recognise our limits, repair mistakes, and grow. But toxic shame is different: it convinces us that we are the mistake. It corrodes confidence and often shows up in:
Addiction — hiding from feelings we can’t face.
Relationships — pulling away or clinging too tightly.
Perfectionism — trying to avoid shame through impossible standards.
Self-sabotage — proving the negative story we secretly believe about ourselves.
How Modern Life Magnifies Shame
In the past, our mistakes were seen by a handful of people. Today, with the internet and social media, a single misstep can feel magnified a thousand times over.
Public call-outs spread quickly.
Comparison culture convinces us we’re “less than.”
Filters and curated lives make it harder to admit imperfection.
For Boris Becker, his mistakes played out on a global stage. For most of us, the stage is smaller — but the weight of shame can feel just as heavy.
You Can’t Outrun Shame, But You Can Face It
Shame thrives in silence. When you face it, talk about it, and reframe it, it loses power.
Here are some ways to start:
Reframe your self-talk: Shift from “I am bad” to “That behaviour wasn’t right.”
Journaling: Write about the mistake, but end with what you learned.
Share with someone you trust: Shame shrinks when it’s spoken aloud.
Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
Seek support: Therapy, coaching, or peer groups can help break shame’s hold.
Final Thoughts
Boris Becker’s story is a public example of what many of us experience privately: we make mistakes, we feel shame, and we wonder if it defines us forever. But it doesn’t.
You are not your mistakes.
You are more than your worst decision.
So the next time shame whispers, try reframing the story you tell yourself: my judgement wasn’t right or my behaviour was wrong, but I am still worthy. Because while you can’t outrun shame, you can learn to live with it — and move forward stronger than before.
If you would like to learn how past events can create a postive future, click here.
